Slowly getting there….

I’ve been wanting to get my “Journey with Hyperemesis story” posted for almost 2 weeks now, but it’s still not completed.

I had what I thought was all the major points to it written out then I realized I could not remember anything from June until September and I know there was so much that happened during that time because that is when I was the sickest.  I’m really not sure if it’s the dehydration and malnutrition that is causing the memory loss or maybe just my mind blocking it out in order for me to not have to re-live it. But needless to say, a huge gap of my memory is gone and my story is very incomplete.

I’ve been asking my mom and husband to help me remember certain things and they have been very helpful with reminding me about me laying on the bathroom floor crying that I wish it would end, and the dozens and dozens of IV sticks and so much else, but I still want so badly to remember my feelings at that time and not just go off of my life from somebody else’s memory.

I had what I thought was a wonderful idea and went onto Babycenter.com where is where the support group where I met so many of my friends and so many incredible, strong women let me vent and helped me through my darkest times. I typed my user name into the search bar and all my posts popped right up. All the horrible, hellish memories started flooding back and I was in semi-emotionally ok state until I came to the post I made in August at 17 weeks along….

“So around this time last week I noticed that I started feeling quite a bit better and was able to eat a little bit more and have only been throwing up one or twice a day. My OB said it was probably because I had been on constant IV’s and my body was kinda “caught up” and wasn’t dehydrated. So he said he wanted me to stay on them (and my pump) for awhile longer.

Well Thursday was a super exciting day because it’s when we found out the gender of baby. I was hoping my IV would last that day but I woke up early in the morning with pain and it had infiltrated. So my nurse came out and restarted it. I started getting ready and during the 3 minutes it took me to unhook so I could get dressed, it clotted, stopped dripping right and kept filling up with blood.

The whole way there I kept trying to flush it and it would get going then fill with blood and clog again. I was beyond frustrated and just emotional and sitting in the Drs office with all these other pregnant ladies that were all happy and while DH and I are supposed to be excited and anxious, all we could even worry about was that stupid IV.

They called us back and during those 20 minutes of my ultrasound I forgot about everything. I was just on cloud 9 and my life couldn’t be more perfect. We had a HUGE shock and found out we are having a little BOY! We were sure it was a girl but so happy it’s a boy. I loved seeing my active, perfect little Emerson Wayne! He’s growing perfect and starting to get a little chub on him. 🙂

Well back to IV nightmare land we went and we ended up having to take the IV out which was very upsetting since it only lasted a couple hours and I didn’t get even half the bag if fluids in. I’ve gained 3 lbs which is great but I’m measuring small and my blood pressure us really low. As much as I love my OB, he kinda upset me and was very unhelpful and seemed rushed. But at least my little man is perfect!

DH and I went to Target to get little Emersons first outfit which was great since I hadn’t been to the store in months! Lol. We had a little get together with our families to tell them that we are having a boy. We put his little outfit in a bag and put everybody’s name on a paper and pulled a random name to show everybody the outfit and reveal the gender. DH’s dad’s name was pulled and everybody was so excited that it’s a boy! It was great having our family’s over (even though I couldn’t eat anything!) and just visit and play games. It made me realize how bored and lonely I am though.

Well the next morning I called Alere to get a new IV started and she said they didn’t want to do an IV right now because my veins are in terrible shape and they called my OB and he said I should be fine without it. I told her that I KNEW I would get dehydrated again and start this never-ending cycle again but I would try to go without it.

I was doing ok until Sunday when I could just tell I was dehydrated again, couldn’t even stand on my own, was crazy nauseous again and making ketones. Alere still didn’t want to start it again and I just kept fighting with them. Finally today I called because my keatones are 2+ and my stomach started cramping really bad. I was lucky and got a great nurse who was totally fine starting it again. So after a bag and a half of fluids (and my IV vitamins) I’m finally starting to feel a little better again.

Well then my hubby came home from work and told me a new company bought out the company he works for. So thank goodness he still has his job but he has no say in his new schedule, is losing all his vacation time and it’s starting over and is getting new medical insurance. I’m just praying it’s still good insurance that will cover everything and not mess with my HHC or meds or anything and we won’t have a huge new deductible since God knows we have no extra money since I can’t work.

But I just keep reminding myself that I’m half way there and my perfect baby boy is healthy and growing amazing so that’s really all that matters in the end. <3″

The part I put in bold is what got me. I was sitting there holding my precious, perfect, handsome little baby while I was reading this and I completely lost it. It was mostly happy tears because I am just overwhelmed that God blessed me with such an amazing miracle and both him and I made it through this horrible experience alive and well. But I also was sad, mad, frustrated, and tons of other emotions that I couldn’t even tell you or explain why I was feeling them. For a minute there I felt like I was back at that place that I couldn’t do it anymore and I thought for sure I was not going to wake up in the morning alive and all those memories that I thought were gone came back to me in a very real and powerful way.

I had to stop reading my old posts and have not been able to continue yet. I’m getting there and slowly working on it, but I know I need to be in a good place emotionally and work through it. It has only been 3 months since Emerson was born and for some people that may seem like it’s enough time to get over something, but I lived in a VERY bad place for 9 months that not only severely effected me physically, but also emotionally and mentally and as I had to build up my physical strength and health back up, I have to do the same with my mind and emotions.  As glad as I am I have all those posts to help remind me of what happened, it’s extremely tough to be in such a venerable place and re-live it all again.

So I hope to have my next post with my journey up very soon, but I guess I’m still living this journey as I heal and even me posting this right now is part of that story.

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3 Responses to Slowly getting there….

  1. Diana says:

    I had extremely mild HG compared to yours, and it still has taken me YEARS to work through it (not done yet, in actuality). Don’t worry about it – take as long as you need! The spiritual processing of HG can take an enormous amount of time, energy, and tears.

  2. Amanda Peterson says:

    I found your blog through another HG blog. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story with us. I feel for you as you process what your pregnancy was like. I survived HG twice, and it has taken me four years to be able to even think of trying again. They are so worth it, but it doesn’t mean that every minute isn’t incredibly difficult.

  3. hgsurvivor says:

    I’m in the same place as you and I did the same thing on babycenter! I can’t seem to get myself to write my story. It’s been four months since my precious little one was born and I just can’t confront those memories. I created a blog, though, to help others who are suffering from hg. I really like the honesty in this post, and think that it will help others who are in a similar situation.

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